FOMO Is Not About Social Media—It’s About Survival
- Neringa Jagelavičiūtė
- prieš 4 valandas
- 3 min. skaitymo
Neringa Jagelavičiūtė, Language & Confidence Coach
What do Joan of Arc, Martin Luther, Galileo Galilei, and Henry VIII have in common?
Excommunication.
Few words in history have carried such weight. It meant more than being excluded from a church—it meant being cut off from community, belonging, and identity itself. Some of history’s most remarkable figures experienced it: Joan of Arc, condemned before she became a saint; Martin Luther, cast out for questioning authority; Galileo Galilei, silenced for defending science; Henry VIII, separated from Rome for defying it.
Long before social media, public opinion, or group chats, the threat of being cast out shaped human behavior. Today, we call a modern version of that same instinct FOMO—the fear of missing out—a term first recorded over 20 years ago, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Different era, same nervous system. Different stage, same ancient fear: What happens if I’m left out?
In his video Give Me 8 Minutes and I’ll Kill Your FOMO (Permanently), Luke Grenoble argues that FOMO isn’t directly related to simply having Instagram on your phone—and I agree with him. Social media is a tool. How it affects us depends on how we use it, especially when we establish some personal hygiene around it. By hygiene, I mean a set of boundaries or practices you create to make your life simpler and more intentional.
Grenoble speaks about self-validation as a solution. I used to think of this mainly as self-esteem—but the two are closely connected. Let’s explore self-validation and why it can help make our lives a little less heavy.
Start with this image: one day you wake up with the ability to notice what you’re feeling with non-judgmental awareness and acceptance. You feel at peace with your emotions, moods, and sensations instead of trying to dismiss or replace them. That’s self-validation.
Now imagine having that capacity. How likely would it be that you’d desperately need likes, hearts, or any other form of external approval?
Don’t get me wrong—the need for feedback is a normal, inborn human need. According to social comparison theory (Festinger, 1954), people naturally compare themselves to others to evaluate their opinions and abilities. Research also shows that this tendency is especially strong during adolescence (Krayer, Ingledew, & Iphofen, 2008; Myers & Crowther, 2009).
So this isn’t about rejecting feedback altogether. The real question is: what would it feel like to be content with what you’re experiencing, without the urge to judge it or replace it with something “better”?
Let’s see how this might play out in real life. To give you a clearer picture, you’ll find both validating and invalidating approaches below. Here’s how self-validation can look in the following situations:
Example 1 — Before a Presentation
Validating: “I notice my chest feels tight, my jaw is tense, and my stomach is uneasy. I’m probably anxious about this presentation, and that makes sense—it’s important to me. I can acknowledge that feeling and still show up prepared.”
Invalidating: “Why am I so tense? My body shouldn’t be reacting like this. Everyone else seems calm. I must be bad at presentations.”
Example 2 — After Critical Feedback
Validating: “My shoulders feel heavy and my head hurts. I think I’m disappointed and maybe a bit embarrassed. That reaction is understandable—I care about doing good work. I can learn from this without attacking myself.”
Invalidating: “My chest hurts and I feel awful. This proves I’m not good enough. I shouldn’t feel this upset—it’s just feedback. Something must be wrong with me.”
Example 3 — Work Overload
Validating: “My neck is tight and my energy is low. I’m overwhelmed. That’s a signal, not a failure. It means I’ve taken on a lot, and I may need to pause or reprioritize.”
Invalidating: “I’m exhausted and tense, but I should push through. Everyone else manages. If I can’t, it means I’m weak.”
What’s the silver bullet? Habit.
The habit of normalizing your feelings—so you gradually need fewer external distractions (the ones that “help” you avoid what you don’t want to feel) and less external validation (They liked my photo, so I must not feel as miserable as I thought).
Self-validation doesn’t remove pressure—it removes unnecessary self-punishment.
On a lighter note—remember the practice of excommunication? The next time you feel at risk of public misjudgment (imagined or real), take a look at the surprisingly long list of historical figures who were excommunicated.
You might find yourself in rather remarkable company.
Further Research
Picture: AI generated
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